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Feeling bitter about dating

It doesn’t seem like anyone in his life was particularly giving him a hard time, but that he was giving himself a hard time and picking up on any critical or negative messages directed at men in general as a way to amplify his negative thoughts.As someone who’s no stranger to those conditions we call depression and anxiety, I can relate to Scott.It sounds corny to say it like that, but I don’t know how to say it and be believed.

We all have hang-ups and neuroses, and they’re much more likely to manifest in the way we see sexual attraction and relationships than in the way we do our taxes. But men are the ones who by and large get to deal with this as an internal matter.

Women are the ones who have to deal with internal hang-ups and, as Laurie Penny points out in her piece, external threats from other people.

That’s how I feel when I look at Scott’s impassioned argument that the dating scene is set up to grind “shy awkward nerds” into the dirt while letting jockish “Neanderthals” have all the women they want.

I could point out plenty of evidence, statistical and anecdotal, that this is not in fact the case, as commenters in that thread in fact do -- but what would be the point?

You can’t argue with emotions that deeply ingrained.

What’s striking to me is that this comes up because Scott very passionately wants to debate that nerds don’t have “male privilege” and that nerdy guys are the victims, not perpetrators, of sexism.

Guys deal with Women in the abstract, as a category; women deal with specific men who physically threaten them.

Guys claim to be harassed more often online than women do, but when guys are “harassed” it means being exposed to a generalized atmosphere of nasty comments and rude behavior.

He is arguing this to a commenter posting under the name “Amy,” who argues that shy, nerdy guys are in fact plenty dangerous on the grounds that she has been raped by a shy, nerdy boyfriend, and that in her life experience around shy, nerdy guys she’s seen plenty of shy, nerdy guys commit harassment and assault and use their shy nerdiness as a shield against culpability for it.

To be blunt, Scott’s story is about Scott himself spending a lot of time by himself hating himself.

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